It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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