In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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