Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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