Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
