smell my finger.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
