im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
