It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
