My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
