we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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