i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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