Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
