Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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