I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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