i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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