GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
