Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
