did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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