i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
