You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
