you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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