i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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