I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
