ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
