this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
