that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
