don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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