I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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