She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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