a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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