I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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