The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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