trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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