I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
