Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
