Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
