plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
