I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
