I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
