You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize