You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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