soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
