peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Found your dick twin last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
