You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
