I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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