I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i think my cat just said my name.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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