I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
