So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
