If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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