At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
