I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
