thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
