Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I want to be your penis for a week.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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