awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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