I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
