look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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