period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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