I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
