The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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