i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
