theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
