so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
