I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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