i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
