I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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